- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
this is some of the conversation i just had with my neighbor [the one from the movies] for future reference, he is stuart

him: like the movie
him: ?
me: of course
him: god call
him: good*
me: i wanna see it again
him: ill go
me: four times?
him: sure
him: then ill have to see it once more so i dont see it even amount of times
me: haha why cant you see it an even number?
him: i dont like even numbers
him: cept for 2
me: interresting...
him: two is a good number
me: how come?
him: couples
him: its just a good number
me: haha okey doke
him: the only even prime number therefore making it very odd compared ot other even numbers
me: youre funny
him: thank u i guess?!:-D
me: yup
him: lol
him: u were lookin good otnight
me: haha liar
him: no im not lyinh
me: my shirt has monkeys
him: monkeys r kool
me: definitely
him: yea
him: u know whats weird
me: what?
him: we were just talkin about how we never really hang out even though we live so close and then hey tonight
me: i know geez
me: thats crazy
him: hmmm
him: maybe its a conspiracy
me: probably
him: lol
him: wanna hear me play guitar
me: yea sure
him: ok
him: **jammin on guiatar** solo
him: but if u really want to
him: netime
me: hahaha
me: good job
him: thanx
him: soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
me: whoa man
me: thats a lot of o's
him: tru
me: im bored
him: same
him: n no one is home
me: hmm
him: hmmmm
him: i need soemthign to do
me: me too
him: r the rents home?
me: yes sir
him: that sux
him: i would say mosey on over
me: yea i would have alreay invited myself if they werent
him: o i c
him: well ur always invited here
me: woohoo
him: walk ur dog then
me: shes at the kennel
him: o
him: darnit
me: i know
him: i really could use company
me: im sorry
him: its ok
me: we will definitely do something when you get back
him: ok
him: sounds good
me: yup
him: so how r the guy situation
me: my guy situation is no one
him: lol
me: how is your girl situation?
him: crappy
me: how so?
him: i wonder soemtiems y i try
him: it never comes out the way i want
him: i seems not worth it
me: well dont become gay or anything
him: i wotn
him: trust me
me: haha
him: women to the end
him: btu still
me: i know what you mean
him: its just that my life sux from that aspect
him: and it helps me to be a better person whe n i have a gf
me: yea
him: u know what i mean
me: i wish i did but ive never really had a relationship i was really happy with
him: =-O
him: well thats no good
him: i was happy with all mine
him: and they kinda ended happy too
me: youre luckier than most
him: like i never had an unhappy ending where we hated each other
him: true
him: but my luck has run out
me: you never know
him: yea
him: i guess
him: i hat etalkin online
him: but it is so easy too
me: why?
him: id rather sit outside
him: durnig the summer neway
me: yea
me: well i gotta go
him: i love to be out n about in summer
him: aight
him: u have fun this weekend
me: you have fun in ireland
him: i will
him: but i dont leave til fri
him: so well talk b4 that
me: i dont get back until next sunday
him: o
him: nvm then
him: lol
me: haha
me: buh bye
him: well thanx then

i dont know if he was trying to hint at something...but he told me a while ago that he likes me. around the time when i went with him to his junior prom. i dont think he still does...

speaking of guys...this guy [from now on, he is marty] well marty and i have always been really good friends, but now hes going out with some girl. i got so upset when i found out. so i talked to him about it and he said he doesnt really like her and they ended up going out, sort of on accident. also that he is going to break up with her. the whole time we were talking, i was crying my eyes out. so i just admitted to him that i like him and i always have, and i was jealous of that girl. he told me he has always liked me too. im glad we said that to each other, but a relationship with him would never work...

so, ive been talking to john a lot lately. he openly admitted he wants to hook up with me. i didnt really know how to respond to that so i just said maybe. then he found out we are both going to martys birthday party, so we could do it then. thats about the time i found out marty had a girlfriend. cause i said the party is for marty [unplanned rhyme] not for us to hook up, and he said marty would be getting with that girl. so whatever. then today, he came up with the idea of marty and i going to the movies and 'accidently' meeting up with john and martys girlfriend [since im not supposed to ever see him again.] but he told me this after marty had told me about wanting to break up with his girlfriend. so...whatever. oh yea he also asked me how many guys i have ever hooked up with and how he ranked in my list. so i just said around the middle somewhere. [he was, by far, the worst...] and apparently im his second best hook up...what an honor...

earlier today, i was talking to george for a little bit and he asked me if i would ever hang out with him again...i just said maybe, but only cause im scared of him. if i said no he might end up stalking me again or something...maybe i shouldnt have sent him my picture.

right before i was about to leave for the movies, peter called me. im surprised he wasnt pissed ive been avoiding him all week. but i told him i was going away tomorrow and we could do something when i get back. he seemed to be happy with that i guess. but now i have no idea how i will get out of hanging out with him next time. i dont think he believed me when i told him i was going to nova scotia. cause he kept asking me what there is in nova scotia worth seeing. and i honestly have no idea, so i just kept telling him that. i cant help it if my parents come up with random places to go on vacation...anyways, ill be back in a week...buh bye...

- - -
mood: overwhelmed...
music: no motiv
lyric: [say your goodbyes now, ill be in the wormhole soon] - armor for sleep

[[blogged at 11:44 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
we saw pirates of the caribbean again tonight. my neighbor and his friends were there so we sorta sat with them. then afterwards, kelly wanted us to go to exxon to see her boyfriend. i was a little annoyed at first but when we got there, [i am slow] i realized, 'hey, im at a gas station, and he wont card me...' so when i asked him for some, kelly got really mad and left. then he said he wouldnt give them to me but i eventually convinced him to. then in the car, kelly was all pissed off. i didnt care... i had cigarettes. then when i was getting dropped off, i hugged alyssa and lisa since i wont see them for a week. but when i hugged lisa, i whispered to her to tell kelly that in my opinion, it is worse to give a guy a hickey than to smoke a cigarette. cause her boyfriend had a huge disgusting one on his neck. so i honestly dont care that shes mad. she can fuck him and get stds for all i care. i mean theyre 'in love' so of course premarital sex is fine...and fuck her if i want a pack of cigarettes. id take lung cancer over aids anyday. fucking whore...

oh yea i finally got thrice today. and in twelve hours, ill be on my way to nova scotia...

- - -
mood: pleased...
music: thrice
lyric: [youre down for selling me out] - taking back sunday

[[blogged at 10:24 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
lately ive been so overemotional. i get frustrated so easily. and then ill just start crying. over the stupidest things. like today my mom wouldnt take me driving because she apparently had cramps. so i just got so upset and i couldnt stop crying. what the hell is wrong with me?

in twin news, they are now getting attatched to their boyfriends and its very annoying...

- - -
mood: irascible...
music: saosin
lyric: [my friends dont understand that theyre hurting me inside] - home grown

[[blogged at 10:44 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
talking to people online can be a dangerous thing. yesterday, george imed me. we talked for a bit and he asked me to send him a picture of me. i couldnt think of any harm in it cause he knows what i look like. so i did. then he started talking about how he misses hanging out with me. arrg. also, every once in a while he asks tons of people a random question and he puts their answers in his subprofile. the question he asked me was, 'when was the last time you masturbated?' so my response was 'im masturbating right now.' [i was kidding.] so today, i had left aim on and mary imed me. she copied and pasted what was in georges subprofile. im not sure if she was mad cause she took it seriously or because she now knows i talk to him. either way, i know she wasnt happy about it. so when i got back, i responded with, 'yes?' but her away message was on and she signed off about ten minutes later without answering.

not long ago, peter was trying to get me to hang out with him. its hard to make up excuses when you dont have any. i told him i might be going to the movies with some friends. but he kept bugging me to cancel my plans until he eventually called me. now i have to stay offline all night cause apparently, im at the movies. oh well. its better than spending the night with him. i know he would try to get with me. cause we have before. yuck. however... i havent gotten with a guy in almost a month. and im starting to miss bob again... hell be gone in a month...

- - -
mood: alone...
music: launch music videos
lyric: [i need you more than i ever thought that i could need someone] - alkaline trio

[[blogged at 9:32 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
thrice still hasnt come in yet. what the hell was the point of ordering it? i could have went out and bought it yesterday. oh well. i need to buy yellowcard too.

last night i went over the twins house. we met their boyfriends at the township. i had never met lisas before. he seems alright. better than kellys. anyways, the guys started driving back to the house cause they were to meet the twins mom. and kellys boyfriend started smoking. so alyssa ran to the car and asked if he had any extra cause she has none. well he gave one to her and kelly got so mad. which made no sense. if he can smoke, why cant alyssa?

so then, we all hung out at their house for a bit. but when they left, the twins and alyssa and me just talked. like about sex. kelly said she and her boyfriend talked about it a lot. and she was asking us how to know when you are ready... i quickly responded with, 'how about after youre married.' then i told her i would never forgive her if she had sex with him. lisa somewhat agreed with me but alyssa didnt really care. i guess cause of her sister. then we got off the subject and lisa asked if we could go outside and all smoke that cigarette alyssa got. cause she just wanted to see what it was like.

what is happening to these girls? kelly wanting to have sex, lisa wanting to smoke...i dont know them anymore. when they found out last summer that i had started smoking, they flipped out at me. oh but now, why not join in? i dont know, i am being a little hypocritcal, but still. the sex thing made me really mad. kelly claims she would break up with him in a second for me, but if sex bothers me, who gives a fuck?

so anyways, we all had enough of that talk, so we watched my little pony. oh boy... then we decided to each be one of the ponies. mine was named paradise. yea so thats what we do in our spare time, not smoke and have sex with guys. sheesh...

- - -
mood: different...
music: matchbook romance
lyric: [i dont know you anymore] - yellowcard

[[blogged at 1:04 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
armor for sleep - pointless forever
and you cant deny that ill be
the one mistake
youll carry forever.
and you cant pretend now that you
thought id forget
to notice you were gone.
but the truth is...
its pointless.
ill make my own world somehow where
i control who stays.
you wont leave because you
wont know how to run away.
ill make you care that i am
running here without you.
ill make you care.
ill make you care...
and you cant escape that im in
your dreams like you
swim in mine.
and youll live your whole life dreaming.
your dreams will
be free of me.
but the truth is...
its pointless.
you dont care.
you dont care...

[[blogged at 5:22 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ok so the shore was fun i guess. im kinda glad to be back. i have a lot of pictures, but i have to resize them and crap. and i dont feel like it. im leaving this saturday for nova scotia. i think ill be gone for a week and a half. and once i get back, summer will be almost over, because im going back to the shore for a week in august. so this week i was hoping to hang out with the twins and alyssa. thank god they are home. and will be home all week. because apparently they are grounded. of course. when theyre not with the bitch, sue, or their cousins, they get grounded. theyre not even allowed on the phone. so much for everything we had been planning this summer.

the thrice cd comes out tomorrow. i got an email saying it was shipped on friday. so it will be here today or tomorrow hopefully. oh yea i got the shirt a little while ago. it fits and everything but its a really ugly color. oh well.

i feel like i have a lot to write, but i cant think of anything else. so um yea... summer is going to be over soon. every day is the same. this fucking sucks...

- - -
mood: cyclical...
music: coheed and cambria
lyric: [now i waste it, faked it, ate it, now i hate it] - green day

[[blogged at 3:29 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
well im back from the shore...and im dead tired...and sunburned. ill write later...

- - -
mood: sore...
music: riding bikes
lyric: [i dont want to talk right now, thank you for your concern] - armor for sleep

[[blogged at 9:46 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
pictures of sheila...

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

i think she may be getting sick of me shoving the camera in her face...

[[blogged at 3:42 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
well im going to the shore tomorrow. i should probably try and get a tan or something. im pale as death right now. oh yea i didnt go to home depot last night. kelly called me and invited me over, but i just told her to come over here instead. [i did not feel like being over there again.] then she asked if i wanted to talk to lisa, so i did and she apologized for being a bitch and all that crap. then when she came over, it was a little weird at first, but things got better, and we talked like we usually do. it turns out they are in a fight with sue because they accidently told the bitch that she gave her old boyfriend head because they thought the bitch knew. well she didnt and flipped out at sue. so sue now hates the twins or whatever. id rather them be in a fight with the bitch, but i guess i cant complain.

so the twins, alyssa, and i went down to the park to talk. even though it was nine at night. since we went, i missed the band riding bikes. they were supposed to be on y-one-hundred at nine. oh well. so we were there for a while and four guys showed up. [one was on crutches.] we couldnt tell who they were because it was so dark, but they seemed about our age. [even though they started smoking.] so the eight of us just sat there awkwardly for like an hour, pretending the other group wasnt there. then i heard one of them say a name and i remembered i knew a guy with that name who lived around the corner and was about our age. so i called his name and we all started talking to them. it was really weird. but they got boring fast, so we went home.

anyways, i wonder how long our friendship will last this time...before something happens and we fight again...

- - -
mood: apprehensive...
music: the loud drone of a vacuum cleaner
lyric: [beware the betrayal, which lurks in the hearts of all] - gatsbys american dream

[[blogged at 1:48 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
last night i went over alyssas and we watched the boondock saints. it was really really good. [two hot irish guys + guns = can it get any better?] anyways, afterwards i went home and couldnt sleep. so i went through a bunch of old tapes of songs id record off the radio and stuff from when i was little. man i was weird. this one was like my favorite song, its called she don't use jelly by the flaming lips. i guess that sort of explains my freakish childhood.

so then today alyssa came over here. she asked me when i was planning on getting my hair cut. i was a little shocked to hear her say that cause i thought she hated the idea. but she told me that if i was going to get it cut that short, shed do something drastic with her hair too. so we looked through a bunch of magazines. the only thing she kind of wanted was a perm. that would be cool i guess. definitely a big change. so then we planned to do it before summer is over. oh boy cant wait.

tonight i might be going to home depot to look at paint samples. [ive been planning to paint my room for months.] i want like a forest green kinda thing but not too dark. but i wont be too picky about it.

oh yea i called the twins today and they are still at that dreadful house. kelly went too...

- - -
mood: meh...
music: wester
lyric: [way away from here ill be, way away so you can see how it feels to be alone] - yellowcard

[[blogged at 7:18 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
youd think a conversation with someone youve gone weeks without talking to would last a bit longer. and maybe be a bit more interresting. i should have been like, 'hey bob, i fucking slit my wrist because of you the night before last, and it wouldnt be the first time...' that would be more interresting...

me: hey
him: hey hey
me: havent talked to you in a while
me: how have you been?
him: i know, good you
me: not bad
me: i saw you were on the afs forum
him: haha yea ---- told me to
him: that board used to suck
him: there was like 2posts for like two months
him: i hadnt seen it in awhile
me: yea
him: they said they prob playing philly in sept
me: ooh awesome
him: yea yea
me: so what have you been up to lately?
him: i was at the shore for ahiwl
him: e
him: and i got back on sat
him: and i film everyday
him: you
me: thats cool
me: im going to the shore this weekend but i havent been yet
him: rad whjat one
me: ocean city, md
him: i go to ocean city nj
me: i go there sometimes with friends but my family has a house in md
him: thats awesome
me: yup

then he signed off and got back on a minute later, but we didnt talk anymore...

- - -
mood: improving...
music: the early november
lyric: [theres nothing new to talk about] - brand new

[[blogged at 12:51 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
i went to the twins today...this is how lovely that went...

alyssa called me and told me her brother was going to drive us. so then she came over to get me and she told me they are going to sues as soon as we leave their house. so i just started crying and i didnt want to go. but alyssa just convinced me to go anyway. so we went back to her house but her brother was refusing to take us. then alyssa just started crying and he took us. when we got there, kelly said hi and hugged us but lisa came in the room and was yelling about something and she ignored us. i told kelly my mom would be picking us up in an hour but it didnt matter cause they had somewhere else to go anyway. then lisa flipped out saying that kelly wasnt going because she was grounded. and that she was only going because she was babysitting one of her sisters kids [she has fifteen brothers and sisters, im sure one of them could babysit.] they lisa bitched about how she hasnt seen us in two weeks and we just came over to yell at them. [even though i had said one thing since i had come in.] then alyssa started crying and ran out of the house and kelly followed her. lisa left the room after saying, 'fine whatever, cry about it.' so i just sat down and started crying too cause i was already in such a shitty mood. then when lisa didnt come back, i went outside to find alyssa and kelly on the trampoline. so alyssa and i were sitting there crying and kelly was trying to comfort us. but mostly she was just complaining about how she hates being in her house cause everyone fights all the time. and how shes grounded for accidently bleaching a blanket. i found it a little funny that she claims to hate being in her house, yet she was gone for two and a half weeks. she apologized for ignoring us but she kept blaming everyone but herself. i hate when people do that. then we talked about stupid stuff that theyve missed since they were gone for so long. lisa came out twice. first she gave the shallowest apology ive ever heard. then the second time, she just bitched at us for being mad at her. and...that it wasnt her fault. then kelly, alyssa, and i went inside and sat downstairs. [alyssa and i, still in tears.] lisa came down and her and kelly fought for like a half an hour. lisa was claiming that everyone keeps yelling at her, and she was having a bad day. then she went back upstairs and just yelled at her mom for another half an hour. then she disappeared somewhere with her mom and the car. sues sister [her name is 'the bitch'.] called like seven times asking for lisa while she was gone, saying she needed to ask her something, but wouldnt tell kelly what it was. oh yea i found out lisa has a boyfriend now too. so anyways, i dont remember crying that uncontrollably ever in my life. im just glad to be home now. i probably wont see lisa for the rest of the summer. at the beginning of last summer, she was hanging around her boyfriend so much that she became a total bitch. and we fought. a lot. then we stopped talking for the whole summer. now this year, she has been hanging around sue and the bitch so much, that it has happened all over again. and also last summer, kelly and i werent in a fight, but instead of her sticking up for me, she just tried to stay out of it. and that again is repeating this summer. i fucking hate everyone... i just want to crawl into a hole and die right about now...

- - -
mood: things could not get any worse...
music: dismissed
lyric: [all i have are pictures of you and broken dreams to hold onto] - 5 days ahead

[[blogged at 10:53 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
i did it again... all because he had some stupid thing in his profile. a quote from some girl. now i feel like shit. thanks to him. my friends are going to notice. the bandaids show underneath my bracelets. my mom will kill me if she finds out. she found out the first time. i was stupid. i still am stupid. for doing it again. if i had done it a little harder. a little deeper. i wouldnt be here anymore. maybe i should just get it over with. stop pointlessly punishing myself. ive never felt so alone in my entire life...

- - -
mood: depressed...
music: saying never
lyric: [you cut me up and down, like razorblades to my face, i still regret all the time, that has walked right passed me] - count the stars

[[blogged at 1:31 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ahh pirates of the caribbean was soo awesome. johnny depp is just like not only hot, but amazing too. the movie wouldnt be as good without him. orlando bloom... yes he is hot, but im sorry, hes not a great actor. maybe it was just the character he was playing, cause i liked him better in lord of this rings, but still. ahh i want to go see the movie again, it was that good. oh yea movie tickets went up again. now theyre eight dollars and seventy-five cents. its really getting ridiculous.

if you didnt see the movie, then dont read this paragraph, cause i dont like want to give it away or anything. but i didnt get the part when jack sparrow was in jail and the two pirates off the black pearl came and saw him. then one of the them reaches through the bars and grabs jacks shirt. but the moonlight makes his hand turn to a skeleton. well how could the moon change him and not change jack too? i dont know, maybe the moonlight just wasnt touching him or something. i would have to see it again to tell.

i am going to describe my sleep pattern from last night. i got home sometime after midnight, and instead of going to bed, i read some of lord of the rings. after an hour or so, i got real tired so i turned off the light and tried to sleep. then, to help me sleep, i listened to my headphones. after a while of just laying in bed, the cd inspired me to write a couple more cd reviews [which ill type up in a little bit] after that, i was wide awake again. so i read some more. well, the reading made me dead tired, so i tried to sleep again. after failing to do so, i went downstairs and finished off a bag of chips and a soda. i dont know why, i wasnt even that hungry. then i read some more, got tired, and tried to sleep. it was between four and five when i turned off the light for the last time and when sleep finally came.

this is my horoscope for today:

feel like spending the day in bed or chatting online? maybe youre trying to stay away from something -- or someone. sooner or later youll have to face reality; might as well do it sooner.

oh yea alyssa told me she talked to the twins not long after i went over. and they told her they might be going to their cousins today. so if that is so, i guess i will be spending the day in bed or chatting online. and i actually thought things were going to go back to normal...

- - -
mood: forgotten...
music: ticker tape parade
lyric: [all in one breath, you could shrug me off your shoulders] - taking back sunday

[[blogged at 12:35 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
my mom and i went driving again today. i had gotten an email from one of the twins earlier, [nothing special, just a stupid forward] but that verified they were home. so i drove over to their house. they were in the backyard swimming with their cousins. we talked a little and when i told them i drove there, they were completely shocked. cause it was the day after they stopped talking to me that i got my permit. i dont know, they seemed really happy to see me, but i wasnt as overjoyed as they were. they said we would do something tomorrow cause their cousins are staying all day today.

i shouldnt have went over. im curious as to whether or not they would have called me or anything today if i hadnt. cause now, to them, it seems as if i wasnt bothered they ignored me. but i wasnt going to show up at their house just to yell at them, especially in front of their cousins. oh well, its not that big of a deal. im just glad things are going to go back to normal now, or at least they should...

- - -
mood: optimistic...
music: acceptance
lyric: [i think we grew up past the hang-ups and the evil stares, the fuck you toos and i dont cares] - the movielife

[[blogged at 5:47 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
just talked to pj from armor for sleep. ahh im like floating on a cloud right now...

me: hi
him: hi
me: is this really pj?
him: um yes it is
him: whos this?
me: my names lisa
him: hi lisa
him: i like your screenname
him: and i LOVE your icon
me: i just signed up for that forum and i saw your screen name
me: aww thanks
him: poopsmith rules
me: yup hes my favorite
him: nice
me: so what have you guys been up to? and how was hell fest?
him: hell fest was great
him: were kind of on vacation right now
me: ooh very cool
me: you guys should come back to philly soon
him: i was just there myself
me: awesome
me: i was going to go to the cd realease show but i was without a ride
him: oh no
me: yea it was a big bummer...but i saw you guys a while back with northstar
him: oh awesome
me: it was an amazing show...minus the mic not working
him: oh yea that was really funny
me: of course it worked fine for the first two bands, ya know
him: hhaha
me: so anyways, has the video come out yet? i havent seen it
him: it hasnt yet
him: we're having it re-edited
me: ooh i cant wait
him: me too!
me: when do you think it will be ready?
him: im not sure exactly
him: we'll probably see another edit version in like a week or 2
me: i gotcha
me: soo what other bands do you listen to? i see you like pink floyd...very awesome
him: oh thanks
him: i like mars volta a ton
him: nine inch nails
me: thats cool
him: ill be back in a little i gotta walk my dog
me: alrighty
[his away message was on for a little while]
him: so what do u listen to?
me: well my top bands would be you guys, taking back sunday, senses fail, and brand new
him: cool
me: but i just got the new fairweather cd and i like it a lot
me: so ive been listening to them recently
him: oh nice
me: oh yea theyre equal vision too
him: yea i like those guys
me: so what do you do with your vacation time?
him: im going to the beach with my family
me: aww that sounds nice
him: yea its gonna be good
him: my family and nashs fmaily have houses within 5 blocks of each other
me: thats awesome
me: do the other guys have screen names too?
him: yea
me: well its been so cool talking to you but i gotta go
him: ok bye bye lisa
me: before i go...i just wanted to let you know that your music means so much to me
me: i know that sounds corny but im serious haha
him: thank you so much
him: you mean so much to us
me: youll always be my favorite band thanks for everything
me: buh bye
him: bye

he complimented my screen name cause i named it after a song of theirs, and my icon is a character off of homestar runner. anyways, i could like, die happy now...

- - -
mood: elated...
music: fairweather
lyric: [there is no one that can take your place] - the goodwill

[[blogged at 12:15 AM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
so tonight, my aunt [whos from chicago] came to visit. we all went out to applebees for dinner. i got fried shrimp, it being one of the only vegetarian meals on the menu. it was alright. the whole thing was very boring thought because i had to listen to my dad rant about how he is the smartest guy in the world, and how everyone else is always wrong. i also had to hear about how big of an idiot george bush is.

alyssa and i were planning to go to the movies before i went out. we both want to see pirates of the caribbean. i had the choice of whether or not to go out to dinner, so i told alyssa we could go to the movies tomorrow. cause if i went tonight id probably end up doing nothing tomorrow. oh yea the twins get home tomorrow. maybe getting home will remind them of my existence. very doubtful though...

right now im dead tired. i feel like i could fall asleep in an instant. but i know once i lie down, ill be wide awake again. and also im going to have to make a choice tonight of hearing another drinking party all night, or dying of heat exhaustion. tough call...

- - -
mood: sleepy...
music: saying never
lyric: [let me sleep some more] - armor for sleep

[[blogged at 10:19 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
woohoo i cleaned my room today. i love when my room is clean. anyways i need a book to read. i have the whole lord of the rings trilogy but i never read it. so maybe that. its huge though.

last night [instead of reading harry] i watched a bunch of old smashing pumpkins concerts on dvd with my brother. then i could barely keep my eyes open so i went to bed. but when i got there, i stared at the ceiling for hours cause i couldnt sleep. so i went downstairs again and watched game show network for about an hour and once again, i became dead tired, so i went up to bed and the process repeated. arrg now my sleep pattern is so screwed up. plus its almost impossible to sleep anyway with my fucking neighbors. their dad went away for the week, so its been constant drinking parties every night. outside drinking parties. and you think rain would force them inside but no. we turned our air condtitiong off yesterday cause it was cooler out so i had to leave my window open. [therefore i could hear every word they said] i should just call the cops on them. i know not one of them is twenty-one. but that would mean betraying alyssa. she told me she joins in with them even though shes so much younger. so shed get in trouble too. she just needs to learn to grow up. she claims to be the most mature out of the twins and me, but she does stupid stuff like that. i hate people who drink to make themselves look cool. alyssa is turning into one of those people...

oh and by the way... me + time of the month = staying home tonight...

- - -
mood: cramps...
music: letter kills
lyric: [today seems less without you] - watashi wa

[[blogged at 4:12 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
well, my mothers warning has proved correct... the vitamins i started taking have turned my piss bright yellow. and im talking bright, neon yellow. wonderful...

- - -
mood: gross...
music: the starting line
lyric: [my right to take a pee, its not the way it used to be] - jimmy eat world

[[blogged at 9:53 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
umm...new layout, as you can see. hope you like...

- - -
mood: audacious...
music: silence
lyric: [all that is calm, wake no more] - fairweather

[[blogged at 4:58 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
so, i finished harry potter last night. im so mad, i read it too fast. i knew i would. i cried three times in the last couple chapters. thats so unlike me. it was four in the morning when i realized i had been sitting and reading for hours. it only came out a couple weeks ago and im already done it. now i probably have to wait a year for the next one. and theres only two left. ahh so terrible...

my horoscope today told me to stop worrying about others and spoil myself by getting shoes or a cd. then it said, 'if you have the money, why not?' ahh i hate being broke. i almost always have a little money just in case. i have no way of getting money this summer cause i dont have a job. so i would just have to stumble across twenty-five dollars somehow to go to warped...

taking back sunday sent another email, promising they will be on warped. and then they said there will be a big tour announcement monday. hopefully it will give a clue as to whether or not john will be playing too. a lot of people i know are going. i could just ask to go with one of them. cause at this rate, the twins will be gone all summer and they wont want to come anyway. blah. but bob will be there. its been almost two weeks since ive talked to him. doesnt make a difference to him i bet...why does he still do this to me...

- - -
mood: beggared...
music: my chemical romance
lyric: [ill be all that you need in life because i cant live without you] - the early november

[[blogged at 2:06 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
spitalfield - make my heart attack
i work backwards from nowhere.
dont opposites attract?
ive got no friends
and blank stares
that could make my heart attack.
and i miss you.
dont you miss me?
i dont know just where to start.
its like, when im without you
things just fall apart.
and i know that you know
ill be back ill be home.
im tired of telling you
something that you already know.
and well make it through this
if i had just one wish.
if my dreams all come true
then your dreams will too.
somewhere out there...

[[blogged at 5:21 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
i got an email from the thrice mailing list yesterday. apparently they have a video for all thats left. and so i watched it. and in all honesty, i was very disappointed. i still love the song but the video, yuck. and theyre saying its going to be on mtv two and all that crap. no thrice, you cant do this to me. it seems to be happening to everyone nowadays. and i dont know, ive only heard two songs of their new album, but i have the feeling its going to suck. is that possible for thrice to suck? i guess well have to see. plus the new fairweather cd isnt as great as i had hoped. arrg. im a pirate...

- - -
mood: poopy...
music: fairweather
lyric: [dont die, grandpa] - three brain

[[blogged at 2:35 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
i asked five guys about pee. and here are their responses. woohoo...

me: do you wash your hands after you pee?
someone: most of the time
me: thats cool
me: do have to pee when you wash your hands like randomly?
someone: nope never
someone: lol
me: like from the running water
me: are you sure?
someone: cant think of any time
me: when was the last time you peed?
someone: um......about an hour ago
me: go wash your hands
someone: why?
me: why not?
someone: cuz i already washed em
me: its good to be clean
someone: i am clean!!!!!!

me: do you wash your hands after you pee?
person: yes
me: do have to pee when you wash your hands like randomly?
person: no
person: and i wash my hands alot
me: like from the running water
person: at my work they get dirty
person: nah
me: you sure?
person: ya mean liek the sound or somtin
person: yea positive
me: yea
me: like that
me: hmm
person: yea i think yer jus weird

me: do you wash your hands after you pee?
some guy: yes maam
me: do have to pee when you wash your hands like randomly?
some guy: sure
me: thats cool
some guy: k

me: do you wash your hands after you pee?
someone else: uhh...no
someone else: who does?
me: you know thats gross right?
someone else: lol
someone else: ..guess you didnt know I was kidding
me: do have to pee when you wash your hands like randomly?
someone else: what?
me: like the running water
me: does it make you have to pee?
someone else: if I really have to go

me: do you wash your hands after you pee?
drug addict: ummm
drug addict: not ussualy
drug addict: why?
me: just wondering
drug addict: uhhh what was that?
me: do you have to pee when you wash your hands like randomly?
drug addict: what?
me: like from the running water
drug addict: i dont allways have to wash my hands
drug addict: its not like i piss on them
me: but not after you pee
drug addict: why are you asking me weird questions?
me: why not?
drug addict: i dunno
drug addict: dont you know i am fucked up in the head?
me: im sorry i was just wondering
drug addict: these weird questions make me wonder whats going on
me: im just a curious person
drug addict: dont be too curious
drug addict: you might wind up doing drugs
me: thanks for the warning

people are so weird...

- - -
mood: pleasant...
music: taking back sunday
lyric: [its mine to decide when ill be alright] - the rocket summer

[[blogged at 10:57 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ok wonderful news...i moved my pictures to aol hometown. i dont know how long that will last though. i let my brother borrow my digital camera tonight. just watch it come home in pieces or something. ahh. its among my top three possesions. i couldnt bare to lose it.

my arm is still sore from yesterdays shot. yuck. and i could go for a hot dog right now. the doctor asked about my diet and i didnt want to say anything about being a vegetarian, but of course my mom had to chime in and tell her. so the doctor lectured me for twenty minutes on how i need protein and vitamin b-twelve. does she think im stupid or something? its almost not worth being a vegetarian because of all the bullshit people give me about it. forget giving up meat, thats nothing. people can lick my toes.

i want a haircut. mandy moore is on the cover of the new seventeen magazine, her perfect hair just staring at me everytime i see it. its just like tempting me. but i dont know, i cant just walk into hair cuttery and be like, 'cut my hair like mandy moores.' my old neighbor is a hair stylist but ive never gotten a haircut from her that i actually liked. so i wouldnt trust her with something this drastic. blah.

alyssa called me right before i left for guitar today. so i told her id call her when i got back. and now her phone has been busy for hours. i kind of dont even want to get a hold of her. were just going to end up doing nothing. or ill get stuck at her house, with her annoying brother and his friends. i have more fun doing nothing by myself.

i read so much of harry potter last night. its really starting to get interresting now. [three-fourths into the book]. but before what i read last night, it was just so many terrible things happening that they needed something to come along to cheer everyone up. ahh. but i dont want to finish it...

- - -
mood: insipid...
music: red letter day
lyric: [but things cant be perfect all the time] - armor for sleep

[[blogged at 6:36 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
i am fucking suspended again... i fucking hate you angelfire... if anyone knows another site where i can host my images for free that wont suspend me every hour, please email me. i will love you forever if you do...

- - -
mood: *stabs angelfire repeatedly*
music: spitalfield
lyric: [i want to kill you] - senses fail

[[blogged at 1:11 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
boring day...i can see it now. last night, i had nothing to do, so i took all my old makeup and smashed it togther all over an old towel. a picture of the mess is below. i also took some water-proof mascera and tried to empty it. well, i got it all over my hands, and washing water-proof mascera off your hands is next to impossible. i recommend you dont try it. then i eventually cut the tube open and got more all over my hands. then i found some old fake nails so i put them on. but i took them off a few hours later cause i have guitar today and it wont be easy to play with them on. so, when i was done amusing myself, alyssa came over and we watched freddy got fingered for a little bit but it got boring fast, so we watched one of my all time favorite movies, monty python and the holy grail.

oh yea i called the twins cell phone again yesterday. their mom picked up and told me they were at the shore. so i said i knew that and i needed to speak to them. so she was just like 'oh well be back on saturday.' so i said 'no, i need to talk to them, what number can i reach them on?' and she just told me she would tell them i called and have them call me back on the cell phone. oh guess what...they didnt fucking call. why am i not surprised? its going to be like this all summer...why do i even bother anymore...

clicky

- - -
mood: defeated...
music: spitalfield
lyric: [setback after setback the need to play remains] - motion city soundtrack

[[blogged at 12:32 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ahh i had a physical today. the doctor asked me if i smoked so i just lied and said no. arrg. i had to get a tetanus shot too. my whole arm turned a shade of purple and i lost all feeling in my hand. it was so weird.

back when i was in the hospital, i got a bunch of roses. when they started to dry out, i wanted to save the petals. so i put them all in a container, forgetting to leave it open a crack. so instead of completely drying out, they grew a thick white mold all over them. when i opened it, a puff of foul-smelling air came out. it was so gross. i just threw the whole container in the trash. yuck.

i left aim on while i was gone and this guy imed me. im going to make him james. so that means im changing the conversation so he uses james. anyways he was good friends with george so thats how we met. but it wasnt james on his screen name. im changing that guys name to pat. oh well, youll find out when you read it...

him: hello
[my away message]
me: hi
him: hello
me: whats up?
him: not much, you?
me: same
him: this isn't james.
him: just a friend of his.
me: oh
me: so which one imed me?
him: me.
me: who are you?
him: i'm pat, i'm from texas.
me: oh
him: so, who are you anyway?
me: im lisa...me and james dont talk anymore
him: oh. why not?
me: i dunno
him: james disappeared, so i took over his computer.
me: ooh i see
me: so i guess youre not in texas then
him: no, not anymore.
him: james came to visit me in texas in december.
him: i don't know if he ever said anything about that.
me: i think so
me: how do you guys know each other?
him: i've known james for a while.
him: i moved to texas last year, and moved back this year.
me: ooh
me: you like it better here?
him: yeah, i guess.
him: so do you live around here?
him: or, how do you know james?
me: sort of im like a half an hour away
me: do you know his friend george?
him: yeah i know george.
me: i went out with him
him: oh.
him: that's neat.
me: so thats how i met james
him: yeah, james is a good guy.
me: yup
me: does he still make websites and stuff?
him: yeah.
me: thats cool
him: i don't think he hangs out with george really anymore, since i moved back at least.
me: oh
me: i dont talk to george and them much anymore either
him: oh. and you don't talk to james either ?
me: no he said some harsh words a while back and we havent talked since
him: haha.
him: doesn't sound like james, but that's funny.
me: yea
him: harsh words...what kind of harsh words? james isn't usually mean.
me: well its a long story but i was in a fight with george and his friends and i guess james just took their side
him: oh.
him: where do you live anyway?
me: king of prussia
him: oh, i was gonna ask if you wanted to go see a movie, but damn that's far. haha.
him: even though i don't know who you are.
me: haha yea
him: james is back now. i don't know if should keep talking to you because you don't like james.
me: haha i dont not like him
him: so your real far away from here?
me: i guess so
him: oh, cause we're trying to find someone else to go to the movies with.
me: what are you seeing?
him: terminator.
me: ooh
him: i heard it was pretty good, so i figured i should check it out.
me: i see
him: oh well, i don't know how to get to king of prussia, and neither does james. and he said it was far, maybe another time haha
me: haha ok sounds great
him: well i gotta go. you should im me again on my screen name sometime
me: is this james now?
him: nope, pat still.
me: whats your screen name then?
him: --------
me: ok
him: yeah, your screen name is kind of confusing to remember, and i don't have a pen on me
me: ok ill im you
him: ok, been nice talkin. adios.
me: buh bye

the whole putting a period at the end of every freaking im was a tad annoying and i was a little taken aback by his movie invite, but right now im a little low in the friend department. so that would have been cool. then again, getting involved with that group is highly risky, even if he doesnt hang out with george anymore...

- - -
mood: bewildered...
music: rock kills kid
lyric: [cant take back what you said long ago] - rufio

[[blogged at 6:32 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
i hate you...

i have an alert for your screen name. i know exactly when you sign on, when youre no longer idle, and when you turn off your away message. i am given two choices, 'ok' and 'send im'. its too early to im you. ill click ok. now ill highlight your name. and ill check your info. maybe you changed it. nope. still just a link to your site. maybe you updated your site. nope. you know your picture is on there. i can see your face right now. three minutes have gone by. i know cause i can hover over your name. youre still there. i know you said you hardly check your buddy list, but i know you checked it this time. i know you know im online. [hover over your name once again.] two more minutes. [check your info again.] still the same. who could you be talking to right now? who is out there more interresting to talk to than me? ha. i dont even remember the last time we had a real conversation. i dont even bother to save them anymore. i left off at ninety. [hover over your name.] three more minutes. your name has been highlighted for too long. i need to select someone elses. maybe if i im someone else, you iming me wont be so anticipated. but alas, no one online i wish to talk to. only you. i want to im you. i want us to talk again. but how do i know i dont annoy you? how do i know you dont hate talking to me? how do i know youre not avoiding me? five more minutes. your info is still the same. so is the site. theres your face again. maybe if i minimize my buddy list, then i wont be waiting for you. i could always sign off. but what if you do want to talk to me? ...another couple minutes. ive lost track. youve been online for quite a while. it must be hard to go that long without looking at your buddy list ...and seeing my name. i could go downstairs. it would be nice to come back up in a few minutes to find that youve imed me. well, im back, youre still there. do you even remember what we once had? i believe you once told me you would dream about me. i believe you once told me you dont know any other girls like me. i believe you once told me you liked my shirt. i believe you once told me i was hot. i believe you didnt get with that girl at your prom after i told you id be upset if you did. i believe i still fucking love you and i dont know why. i believe you dont even care. and i believe you just signed off...

i actually wrote that last night, but im posting it now. ack, im such a freak...

- - -
mood: rejected...
music: spitalfield
lyric: [i begged you not to go. i begged you, i pleaded. claimed you as my only hope, and watched the floor as you retreated] - dashboard confessional

[[blogged at 1:15 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
angelfire fucking suspended me again... arrg. and i have a bunch of pictures to put up to. ill post them anyway. come back in an hour to see them though. alyssa has been taking care of these cats this weekend so she dragged me along today, forgetting im allergic to them. so i brought my camera. we were planning to hang out in her house or whatever but the lady ended up getting home hours early and fed the cats herself. then we went back to alyssas house and she offered to make me a beef sandwhich. i just refused and sat there while she ate one. her sister came down and for some reason she always makes me uncomfortable. maybe cause shes like perfect. so i wanted to go home but my stupid self-concious self wouldnt say anything. then i eventually just told her to call me later and i left. i had never been so relieved to come back to my house. i just dont like being over there.

i went driving again today. and yes, i brought my camera with me. i love that thing... anyways, i went on a road for the first time. it was a tiny road without cars but still. i also reached thirty miles per hour in a parking lot. woohoo. then i begged my mom to take me to tower. over it wasnt there. so i picked up motion city soundtrack and spitalfield. i couldnt find fairweather but i wanted it so bad. so i asked the guy if they had any. it was a little irritating cause i had to spell it and everything. but luckily enough, they had one in stock and he sent another guy to go get it. oh goodness, its amazing. im so happy i spoke up and asked for it. but now im thirty bucks in the hole. i told my mom i would pay her back but i dont have any freaking money. well, picture time, remember to come back later if they are stupid 'x's...

the lovely house of the cat lady
her lovely cats
the parking lot where i first drove
a um sunset
my grade school, i went driving in the parking lot there
my first road
we saw some berries so i had to take a picture of them...

- - -
mood: existing...
music: fairweather
lyric: [no one knows that nothing changes but the words and the weather] - the promise ring

[[blogged at 9:39 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
the problem came back in aim, where i get imed and i get kicked off. stupid thing. oh well. i wrote a bunch of cd reviews last night. ill type them up in a bit. i wrote my first ever bad review and now i feel bad. i still love rufio, but yea. i also got to the part in harry potter when one of the characters nearly dies. ahh he cant die. he just cant. i dont think he will though cause hes ok now.

theres a breaking pangaea concert this friday. i really want to go but i have no one to go with. grr. theres also a further seems forever and movielife concert next week. bob will probably go to both and not invite me cause theres apparently no room in his car... what an asshole. anyways i might go to tower later today. i want the fairweather cd so bad. im also going to look for over it, gatsbys american dream, saosin, and spitalfield. but like i can afford five cds...

i had a really weird dream last night. my brothers and i were playing a big game of capture the flag with alyssa and her brother and sister. but the bases were our houses, and the flags were hidden in them. our team just thought the game was stupid so we just left our doors locked and forgot about it. well the other team, for some reason, was stock-piling water balloons. then my parents came home and we ate dinner, but my older brother kept tricking me into eating meat. then i woke up. i have no clue why i had a dream like that.

if i was a little kid, right now i would be outside playing or something. if i knew then that in a few years id be sitting at home day after day...maybe i would have gotten involved in sports or something. i did gymnastics for nine years, but they stop teaching you when you turn thirteen. ive also done cheerleading [dont laugh], softball, and tennis. but i was never good at any of them. oh yea i saw my gymnastics instructer on friday, but he didnt even recognize me. we were walking through the playground section and he told us they were going to be clearing us out soon. i was gonna be like 'um hey its me.' but i didnt really care. i also saw a girl from my grade school and alyssa went up to talk to her. she looked exactly the same as she had in eighth grade. and she told us she barely recognized us. i hate reuniting with people. i want to move out of king of prussia and never see these people again. but im stuck here for at least two more years...

- - -
mood: dull...
music: no motiv
lyric: [so now im staying up all night cause im trying to understand why i feel like ive been stuck here forever] - allister

[[blogged at 12:13 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
so bored...i fixed aim and i talked to john a bit. i havent talked to joe in two days. so being online isnt too fun anymore. anyways, in my bordom, i decided to be 'artistic'. i took a few pics of things around my room, then i edited them on photoshop. i want to be able to do cool stuff with my camera...

1 2 3 4

so the twins leave for the shore tomorrow. they havent called me today even though they are home. i want to call them. i want to catch up. i feel like i havent seen them in a year. but no. its my turn to be stubborn. they should be calling me. they should be kissing my ass to be their friend again. i think i deserve it. theyve been off having fun with their other friends while ive been sitting at home, crying, waiting for a phone call. well i did get one phone call. a very brief one. but it didnt have the apology i wanted. should i be mad at them? i need a second opinion on this. everyone i was close with during school has forgotten about me. i dont even have mary and sally to talk to anymore. joe is gone. i dont even know where or for how long. im not close enough to anyone else to sit and complain to them about my shitty life. alyssa, yes but i have a hard time talking to her about these things. shell just agree with me and suggest we go outside and smoke. speaking of which, i could really go for one right now. this is bad. i cant get like this again. i just need to find other ways to calm myself down. but what? im always by myself. im usually content with that, but sometimes it can be even more upsetting. theres nothing i can do about that though. music helps. so does writing. but its getting harder to think of new topics. im always complaining about something. for once, i want to write about something i like. something that makes me happy. for once, i just want to be happy...

- - -
mood: ostracized...
music: the early november
lyric: [so take this razor, sign your name across my wrists] - bayside

[[blogged at 9:50 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
this is my second saturday in a row doing nothing. oh well i dont feel like going out anyway. i went driving again today. it was raining too. for the first time, i managed to reach twenty-five miles per hour and i parked between two cars. oh yea. we saw an adult and baby deer on the side of the road. the adult was missing half of its back leg. it was so sad. i didnt have my camera with me though which was a big bummer. when it started to rain they ran away. i hope theyre both ok.

nothing is going on and i am so bored. its times like this when i wish i wasnt so anti-social and i had bothered to make a few more friends... plus everytime i go on aim and someone ims me i get kicked off. i have no idea why. so now i cant even talk to people. arrg...

- - -
mood: jaded...
music: 504 plan
lyric: [come lift this burden and softly put me on my feet again] - death on wednesday

[[blogged at 6:48 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
alyssa and i went to the township last night to see fireworks. i took my digital camera with me. most of the pictures i took of the fireworks didnt turn out too well but i had fun taking pictures of random people instead. i blurred out the faces of the ones you could see cause i think its illegal to put peoples pictures on the internet or something without their consent. but anyways, here they are.

what would we do without it
fat girl plays with baton
fat girl drops baton
people sang
little girls sang
people video-taped people who sang
turns out we do have freaks here
guy with ponytail
everybody
this was my favorite picture...i took it of the pond during the fireworks. it turned out pretty cool...

yes so my night was very exciting...well i bet you will never guess who i saw there. john. he lives like a half an hour away from me. so why he would come all the way here for fireworks is beyond me. he saw me and yelled my name so we started talking. it was so awkward. im just glad he wasnt with his parents cause they would probably shoot me if they saw me near him. then alyssa and i just went off by ourselves again. ahh i still cant get over how weird that was. so anyways i slept over alyssas afterwards. we made smores and smoked cigarettes once again. then we watched this old disney movie called the black cauldron. it was a little freaky. then we slept and i had to leave her house at half past eight cause she had work this morning. the twins are supposed to be back from sues house today but they are leaving for the shore for a week tomorrow. great i have to go another week without talking to them...

- - -
mood: ok...
music: die trying
lyric: [i heard my name on your lips. its sounds the same as the many times ive ignored it since that day] - copeland

[[blogged at 1:38 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
well, happy fourth of july. i used to actually look forward to this holiday. i used to love fireworks. but now, i just dont care anymore. i dont care about much of anything anymore. there really is no point. no point of living anymore. ive lost everything that was once important to me. all i have is my music and my computer. i dont even talk to people anymore. why is all this happening? im going to end up killing myself before this summer is over...

- - -
mood: inert...
music: thrice
lyric: [ill die here when my veins lose their hue] - northstar

[[blogged at 12:29 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
i should be at a phillies game right now, but i didnt want to go. alyssa was really upset. but id rather sit at home and do nothing than go there. i saw simon, my mouse, at her house yesterday. poor thing was all shriveled. no one takes care of him there. its just not fair. i would take care of him. but it doesnt matter cause he would have been fed to a snake anyway. so hes better off at her house.

i looked up a bunch of new bands today to keep my mind off of things. and oh my god. wester. they are amazing. you really need to go to westermusic.com and download them. i cant even tell you. too bad theyre from california. anyways i guess i could write some more cd reviews but they are starting to sound too similar, i dont know. my little brother just told me to get off the computer so he can go on. well, no. i have no life. this is all i have to do.

so, its almost the weekend. im not going to do anything. mostly cause of my cuntface friends. it just makes me so upset. theyre always all about 'best friends' and shit. what hypocrites. i find it funny that people online cant spell for their lives. and theyre just too lazy to fucking write out 'you' or 'are'. yet these idiodic, lazy people can spell words like 'hypocrite' perfectly. listen dipshit, learn how to spell three letter words before you try to look all fucking smart spelling hypocrite. i see that word in profiles all the time too. profiles these days just seem to be people ranting about how they are mad at someone. well just so you know, that person you are referring to isnt the only person reading it. so no one else wants to hear about you and your shitty complaints. why dont you just tell that person what you think about them? whoa good suggestion...

i have a screen name that no one knows and i just always go on it before i sign on my real one to see if anyone is on to talk to. if no one is on, then i wont sign on my other one. well, today, everytime i went on my secret screen name, bob was online and had been for like hours. i went on my real screen name twice today and both times he signed off within five minutes of me signing on. i dont know, maybe im just being paranoid...

i have a digital camera. i never use it... i also dont leave my house much... maybe cause-effect? no the effect was first... anyways, [note to self]: use digital camera asshole...

- - -
mood: crappy...
music: wester
lyric: [youre an illusion, just a shadow flickering underneath the sun] - saves the day

[[blogged at 8:36 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
what the fuck is the point anymore? he doesnt want me. she is pissed off at me. they forgot im alive. i have no one left...

- - -
mood: fuck you...
music: the juliana theory
lyric: [if all i am is a distraction for you, then i cant complain that you cant feel something for me] - armor for sleep

[[blogged at 4:56 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
armor for sleep. how can one band be so powerful? they completely change my mood in an instant. last night, trying to fall asleep and listening to frost and front steps, i burst into tears. everything about afs reminds me of him. i just get this incredible desire to be with him. so much that i just want to rip all my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs. but instead i express it through uncontrollable bawling. ive been away from him for so long that i can barely see his face on the back of my eyelids anymore. summer leaves me with only fragments of memories of him. and afs just makes these memories stronger. what is all this emotion for anyway? im too young to fall in love...

- - -
mood: ardent...
music: armor for sleep
lyric: [its so hard to have someone to love] - brand new

[[blogged at 11:35 AM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
peter couldnt accept the fact that im a vegetarian. i dont have to explain myself to every fucking person i know. i fucking hate him...

me: yawn
him: hmm
him: say somtin
me: im a vegetarian
him: y?
him: doesnt make sense
him: and its not healthy
me: its healthy
him: no yer not gettin yer proteins and iron and shit
me: thats what peanut butter is for
him: oook
him: why do u do it
me: why not
him: its inconvient
him: why would u
me: cause
me: i dont need you to lecture me i get it enough from my parents
him: no im not lecturing, id just like to know your reasoning behind it
me: cause if you can survive without meant than why eat it?
me: meat
him: cause its delicious
me: i hope someone eats you and says youre delicious
him: humans are at the top of the food chain
him: creatures eat others to survive
me: food chains are for frogs and mosquitos
him: humans are animals too ya know
me: yea so why dont humans eat humans?
him: why dont lions eat lions?
him: cause thats not the way it works
me: cause they dont think like we do
him: that made no sense
me: like they live by instinct
him: and we dont?
him: we jus evolved
me: no humans are obviously smarter than other animals duh
me: so i can choose not to eat meat
me: lions dont do that
him: i didnt say u couldnt
him: its jus inconvient
me: who the fuck are you to choose whats convient for me?
him: ok well u tell me, meat is everywhere in this world, its a fact if u wanna not eat it then fine i dont give a fuck im jus sayin
him: meat isnt a luxury anytime like in fuckin jesus' time, its everywhere in all foods
me: then if you dont care why are you giving me such a hard time about it?
him: im not giving u a hard time, you brought it up and were discussing it
me: hahaha
me: yea
me: you just made yourself look like an ass
him: no i didnt
him: how
me: im through bye

just cause hes a fat ass and cant live without his fucking bacon doesnt mean shit to me. i dont have to be like him. he can burn for all i care...

- - -
mood: infuriated...
music: moneen
lyric: [i try so fucking hard, but i cant fit your mold] - senses fail

[[blogged at 11:04 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
yea so check out my fancy new title. photoshop and i were very bored. i tried to do other stuff too but i failed. so it will stay like this for now. im still bored now. i told alyssa to call me but she didnt. and no the twins havent called either. alyssa was acting so weird when i was at her house today. see its kind of a long story but one of her brothers friends went out with her sister a while ago. they had sex, she got pregnant, the whole shabang. well they broke up and lots of tears followed... so when i was over today that kid was there. and alyssa was acting so strange every time he came in the room. like pathetically attempting to flirt or something. then when we were outside smoking she told him to come out with us so he just like took hers, finished it, and left. then she said to me that she was always a little attracted to him but she could never do anything with him cause of her sister. i cant believe she would even say that. hes like twenty and ugly. its so not like her to like someone like him. [three 'likes' in one sentence...woohoo] and it was so weird seeing her acting like an asshole. shes usually herself in front of anybody. im telling you, guys are the devil.

alyssa and i have lived across the street from each other since we were born. weve always been best friends but i dont know anymore. in the past two years, if its just me and alyssa, we just arent the way we used to be. but if other people are with us, we are both our normal selves. i dont know what happened to us. a lot of shit happened when we were little with our families fighting but that never affected us before. i have to hear my parents talk bull shit on her and her family every day, but it never changed my opinion of her. i guess ever since high school, we grew a little too far apart. and now were both totally different. its sad really cause the two of us just dont have fun anymore. like last year we would be with mary and sally all the time. and now we are with the twins all the time. but the way we talked to each other by ourselves today, it seemed like we had just met or something. i want things to be the way they were when we were kids, but i dont know. maybe she hasnt changed at all. maybe im just so different that i dont recognize her anymore...

- - -
mood: distant...
music: saves the day
lyric: [could it be that somethings changed? cause nothing feels the same to you] - over it

[[blogged at 9:14 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
for some reason i got a limited too catalog in the mail yesterday. ninety-five percent of the girls in it were wearing braces. i guess its some way of telling little girls that braces are totally cool. the girls who werent wearing braces could like pass for being eighteen. oh and the best part was the section of punked out clothes. nothing like eleven year olds wearing fish-nets and knee high boots... oh once again i couldnt fall asleep last night. im not sure what time it was but i started watching lilo and stitch. i swear to god every preview before the movie was a sequel for another movie. are they running out of ideas? and cmon you cant replace ferris bueller as inspecter gadget with that faggot from third rock from the sun. i didnt even see either movie but still. you might as well just change his name and make it a new movie. but no...it has to be inspecter gadget two...when gadget gets ugly...

so my angelfire page is down, thats why none of the pictures are working. apparently because ive used up my bandwidth...which makes no sense cause no one goes to my page? oh well, it will be back up in two hours so be patient.

so i had a cigarette today, well three. i dont know why. alyssa called me and told me to go over and smoke with her. shes been doing it a lot lately. i dont want to get addicted again. but oh well. so yea she told me that right after i got off the phone with kelly, sues sister called her and apologized for yelling at her about her boyfriend. then what do you know... she invited her over. they are both there now. thats just wonderful. i fucking give up...im going to cry...

- - -
mood: exasperated...
music: rufio
lyric: [you make me completely miserable] - lit

[[blogged at 5:41 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
just got back from guitar. my teacher smells like drugs everyday, blah. but im starting to get good at playing all warm by armor for sleep which is cool. kelly left a message while i was gone and i called her back cause i felt bad. then of course i was a chicken shit and pretended i wasnt mad at her. her and her sister are in a stupid fight over her boyfriend. i dont want to take sides but i really dont like that guy.

dont you hate it when you open a big bag of chips and its not even half full? you might as well pay for a bag of air. oh well im eating salt and vinegar chips so im happy. i was thinking about my two recent dreams about bob and i dont know. dreams are so weird. you can find out a lot about yourself through your dreams. cause when youre asleep, youre thinking without trying to think. [if that makes sense.] i dont believe in all those dream interpreters and tarot card shit. if you want to figure out what your dream means, you have to do it yourself. like the whole thing with the group of guys beating up bob, probably refelected the group that threatened to beat up john. an old hag who claims she talks to spirits wouldnt be able to tell me that. and your dreams only reflect memories you have. you cant just magically discover a cure for cancer in your sleep. they are just warped interpretations of how you view the world. you can create certain situations for yourself in your subconcious, but those situations have to have crossed your mind once in your life. and they remained hidden until you dreamt about it again. like for example, you wouldnt have a dream about a plane crash unless you were exposed to the idea at least once in your life that planes can crash. it doesnt mean any of that bull shit miss cleo will tell you. if youre one of those people that would have a dream about a plane crash, and never ride a plane again, i honestly feel very sorry for you. i really like the final destination movies, but its just a movie. stuff like that doesnt happen. get over it. people cant predict your damn future. say miss cleo tells you youre going to buy a book soon. she also tells you that you will be rich. well obviously, youre going to go buy a book so therefore your fortune is correct. and if the book part is right, that means you are definitely going to get rich. well im sorry dipshit, thats luck. ok i think i proved my point...im done with my ranting...

- - -
mood: acrimonious...
music: get well soon
lyric: [i want to watch you dream some more] - yellowcard

[[blogged at 5:26 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
well i think im starting up a new addiction. every night when i lay in bed, trying to fall asleep, i get hungry. so i eat. im gonna get sick if i keep eating so late at night. oh yea im a vegetarian today. i almost forgot... and yes while i was eating so late last night, i wrote some more. this one is short, so maybe ill add more to it later...

how can you miss someone youve never had?
how can you cry when youre not even sad?
how can you dream of someone so far away?
how can you hope that he feels ths same way?
through your memories, you suffer
only by dreams do you survive
should you blame him for your dying?
or should you thank him youre alive?
but you take that gift for granted
you go on living like its a curse
youre convinced pointless atempts will work
you escape reality through pathetic verse
- me [the first of july, two-thousand-three]

if you didnt figure it out by now, i wrote it like from someone elses point of view, talking to me. i dont know, i wanted to try something different. no castrating in this one though...bummer. so...no word from the twins yet. they obviously are not affected whatsoever that im mad at them. that just makes it hurt even more than the fact that they forgot about me. ive got so many other things on my mind right now, i dont need my best friends turning against me too. and i know i did nothing to them. i havent talked to mary or sally since the day i went to dorney park. im glad though. i dont need them. i also havent talked to bob since saturday, when he told pretty much told me he couldnt do anything. hes been online while i was on countless times since then, and he still doesnt im me. he obviously wants nothing to do with me. if he wanted to do something, he would ask me. hes probably sick and tired of me bothering him to hang out. and thats why he always comes up with dumb excuses. he cares nothing about anyone other than himself. thats the least attractive quality a person could have. but still, i cant stop liking him. i think if i just force myself not to talk to him, and just never see him again, i have to get over him. after all, you cant like someone you dont talk to. and then maybe someone else will come along, and there will be nothing to worry about cause bob and i will be through. he can find ass somewhere else. we didnt hang out at all during june, so he probably got with someone else in that time. probably the girl he took to prom. and you know he needs his monthly ass. fucker, what the hell do i see in him? i dont even know the answer to that question anymore. this is so god damn frustrating...

ok i need to stop thinking about him for a little bit. im really starting to like the all-american rejects again. on their cd, the last song was always one of my favorites, but i didnt listen to the cd much. now, every time i turn on mtv two, i see the video for the last song. and i remember how much i loved that song and i love it all over again. its kind of a weird feeling. theres so many bands i used to love, but when they got popular, i stopped listening to them. i dont know why i do that. oh well, theres so many newer bands that i love instead now...

[p.s.] i took a picture of myself, cut out my eye, and edited it. this is all you will be getting of my face for now...

clicky...

- - -
mood: upset...
music: saosin
lyric: [as i leave will you be someone to wipe your eye?] - the all-american rejects

[[blogged at 11:26 AM]]