- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
both fairweather and the movielife have broken up...

[[blogged at 3:22 PM]]                

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him: ...
me: hi
him: r u still mad?
me: im not mad at you
him: o i though u were
me: no
me: im mad at myself i guess though
him: y
me: for starting to like you again
him: o
him: y is that bad
me: i dunno i have an incredible knack for liking guys after they get over me
him: its ok
him: its usually the same way with me
him: i mean, dont get me wrong, i still like u
me: no you dont
him: but i dont know i want ot be in a relationship with u
me: what?
him: well your n awesome person but i dont really wanna go out with u
me: cause youd rather just get with a lot of girls i understand
him: no, im not goin looking for anygirl
me: then what do you want?
him: i dunno and thats the problem
me: oh
me: i didnt expect us to get into a relationship or anything but just id rather not be some girl you get with when you feel like it
me: i dunno
him: i know what u mean
him: and ur not just soime girl
him: thats why i havent gone around liek braggin or tellin everyone
me: ok
me: so what do you want to do then
him: i dunno
him: what do u think we should do
me: do you just want to forget we did anything?
him: yea, it may be best

- - -
music: boys night out

[[blogged at 10:01 PM]]                

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i just got back from my first day of work. its like a little card shop. i like it i guess. the people i work with are so nice. yea... lisa and kelly showed up right when i was leaving cause theyre gonna work there too i think. i yelled at lisa yesterday cause they both completely forgot about me and went out with their boyfriends. even after i told them how upset i was. oh yea my mom wanted to take me to the doctor yesterday cause of my cough but i didnt want to go. cause the doctor would notice the bandaids and yea...

- - -
music: coheed and cambria

[[blogged at 3:24 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
outsmarting simon - with five words
waves that crash down your face
burn your eyes red.
and ill separate the glasses.
i know you hate them all.
but you dont know
if you still care.
and im breaking down the sand walls
to save your drowning heart.
sing me to sleep at night
youll fill me with thoughts of you.
youll burn my
my insides.
and blow me that goodnight kiss
you let me know
how much you dont love me.
when you said,
'its over.'
[like the cigarette you smoke]
you broke our hearts
together.
[suck me in just to blow me out]
one by one,
things all changed
[like the cigarette you smoke]
and with five words,
we died
[suck me in just to blow me out]
you whisper
those five sweet words.
you let me know
how emotions fade.
you burn my
my insides...

[[blogged at 11:50 AM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
i did it again...

- - -
music: mae

[[blogged at 11:39 AM]]                

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me: ooh who are you going with to the dance?
him: ----
me: i see
him: yup
him: sooo
me: so
him: how r things
me: i dunno
me: do you like ---- or anything?
him: no not like that
me: be honest
him: i used to freshman year
him: but i just thought, hey, shes fun at dances, so ill ask her
me: ok
him: y
me: i dunno
him: o ok
me: i hate feeling used thats all
him: oooo
him: i c what u mean
me: mhm
him: dont worry im not usin u for nething
him: and honestly i havent lliek told neone bout sat
me: i dont care if you tell people
him: i kno
me: i just didnt know if you still liked me or anything
him: i just like havent
him: i kinda do, but liek i dunno
me: what do you mean?
him: like i want a gf n stuff, but im not sure if i should
me: why?
him: cause i dunno
him: this is my last year b4 college, i wanna have fun, not sayin i wont have fun with a gf which i would but i duno
me: oh
me: thats not what you said like last month
him: yea i kno
me: so in other words you just want to get with a lot of girls
him: not really, cause i dont wanna be like a man whore
him: but still i dont mind like gettin with girls
him: im not opposed
me: uh huh
me: well thanks for making me feel like shit
me: im gonna go
him: what, im sorry
him: i didnt mean to make u feel bad
me: bye

why is it that all guys have to become assholes when they become seniors?

- - -
music: the snake the cross the crown

[[blogged at 10:31 PM]]                

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i sat in a hospital for twelve hours in june so i wouldnt get sick as much anymore. and here i am now, feeling like crap...

- - -
music: dead poetic

[[blogged at 5:39 PM]]                

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so...pointless...

- - -
music: saosin

[[blogged at 10:14 PM]]                

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i applied to work at best buy online today...they had the most ridiculous questions. and yea i also handed in a bunch of other applications to other stores. so hopefully maybe one of them will hire me...

- - -
music: story of the year

[[blogged at 7:27 PM]]                

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yea um...school sucks...

- - -
music: thursday

[[blogged at 8:51 PM]]                

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'and then there were none' was so depressing...

- - -
music: something corporate

[[blogged at 10:03 PM]]                

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i went to the mall to look for a job today. yuck. i saw this kid wearing a taking back sunday shirt. so out of habbit i waved to him and said, 'hey taking back sunday'. he gave me the weirdest look as if he had no clue what taking back sunday was. what a weirdo...

- - -
music: moneen

[[blogged at 7:25 PM]]                

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ok so we didnt have school today, but the power went out for some time. it wasnt so bad. tonight, alyssa and i saw underworld. it was pretty good i guess. afterwards, we were waiting outside to get picked up and i kept making eye contact with this really cute guy. after a little while, him and his friend started walking towards us. i got a rush thinking they would talk to us but they just walked past and he kinda smiled at me as they did. ugh im so fucking lonely...

- - -
music: my chemical romance

[[blogged at 9:42 PM]]                

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i think we might have school off tomorrow cause of the hurricane... but yea school hasnt been as terribly bad as i was expecting i guess. i told three different guys i would hang out with them this weekend, so im not quite sure how thats going to work out. stuart is one of them. he asked me what i would do if he tried to kiss me. honestly, i dont really know what id do. cause i guess i just dont want to start a relationship with him. i dunno. its not that i care what other people would think, its just i know my friends would give me crap. they fail to realize that im not a picky as them with guys. well actually, kelly could stand to be a bit more picky...

- - -
music: boys night out

[[blogged at 3:46 PM]]                

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whimmy wham wham wozzle

- - -
music: thursday

[[blogged at 7:12 PM]]                

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he...just....doesnt...get it...

him: yo go with me to homcoming
me: yo im not going to homecoming
him: y not
me: didnt we have this discussion already?
him: kinda
him: cause like u hate dances
me: yes
him: but like itll be fun and stuff
me: how so?
him: um we dance hang with friends, then after party at someones house
me: ehh
me: doesnt sound too appealing
him: how can it not be
him: dancin around actin crazy and all
me: yea but
me: high heals
me: and a dress
me: no way
him: yo youll look hot
him: we dont have to get pictures or anything
me: what happens if you go in like pajama pants?
him: um i dunno
him: yo ud look hot in a dress stop complainin
him: yo what syer #
me: no really would they like throw you out?
him: ima call u
me: why?
him: cause im gonna convince u to go
me: im not going
him: o come on
me: sorry
him: gimme a good reason
me: i wouldnt have a good time if i went
him: yo how do u know
me: cause i never have before
him: yo me neither
me: and that music...irritates me
him: im determined to have fun though
me: you can have fun with other people
him: i wanna have fun with u
me: im not a fun person
him: u could be
him: yo jus go with me itll be like a low key thing
him: not like a big deal
him: we jus go and have fun
me: haha i dont care about that
me: i just dont want to go
him: uhg
me: cmon i told you a hundred times it wouldnt be fun
him: u can make it fun ya know
me: eh
him: alright yo im gonna ask one more time
him: you wanna go to homecoming with me
me: ugh
me: youre just trying to make me feel bad
him: noo im not
him: u dotn have to go if u dont want to
him: but like heres how i see it
him: we finally get to spend some time together
him: and then we can hang with a big group
him: then someone will have an afterparty
him: and youll be lookin hot in yer dress
me: oh yea that also means i have to buy a freaking dress
me: i have no money
him: wear one u already got
him: ill get everything else
me: all the ones i have are ripped or dont fit
him: borrow one
me: id probably rip that one too
him: how?
me: i just would
him: no u wouldnt
me: ok
him: whatta ya think
me: eh
him: if u dont want to...ill understand
me: i already told you i didnt want to

- - -
music: anatomy of a ghost

[[blogged at 10:55 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
moneen - closing my eyes wont help me leave
wheres my love?
its fallen and im bound to it.
wheres my heart?
its stopped, then why am i still here?
wrong...gone? would you say its too late?
say something now.
say somethings wrong.
say sorry.
wrong...gone? would you stay? its your fate.
somethings missing
wait this out...a promise ends suddenly
close my eyes...relax,
lay back and try to breathe
decide my fate.
is it too late?
to change it all
and mend mistakes.
as if i would have such thoughts
and scream so loud for all its not
dont say youre sorry
cause sorry means something is wrong
dont say youre sorry...
dont say youre sorry now.
and ive changed...
those thoughts rang out...

[[blogged at 7:42 PM]]                

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school tomorrow...

- - -
music: celebrity

[[blogged at 8:08 PM]]                

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ahh im in such a good mood right now. bob sent me the whole thursday cd which doesnt come out until tuesday. its soo good. and also he keeps asking me if im going to have a ride for the concert. so i guess its possible he wants to see me too... i asked this one kid if he wanted to go and he said yea...but he doesnt know if hes going to have a car or not. i think im using him but oh well. we never hang out but he likes a lot of the same music i do. so yea... maybe i could go by myself and just get a ride from my mom. but thats such a pain. ahh why must this be so difficult...

- - -
mood: exited, somewhat...
music: thursday
lyric: [wondering what if is the worst thing there is] - straylight run

[[blogged at 8:27 PM]]                

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ok, many strange things happened yesterday. the twins mom called alyssa and asked if both of us wanted to sleep over. and it was completely her idea cause the twins didnt even know about it. i really really didnt want to go, but we ended up going anyway. we just sat with lisa for a while and she explained everything that had been going on. i now kind of understand why they ran away, but still, it was stupid. then later, i was just in the room with kelly and we talked a lot, so were not really in a fight anymore. i asked her if her boyfriend felt at all guilty that he was ruining everyones lives and she was just like, 'yea all the time...blah blah.' and the whole thing that she wouldnt tell me that day when we got in a fight, was that hes going to be in the army and hes leaving next june. aww too bad...

i also found out that their mom was threatening to send them to another school. but at the end, they had the choice on where to go. they said the only thing that made them want to stay at our school was me and alyssa...so yea.

then we went through lisas collection of notes from freshman year. man we were such dorks...the ones from me all said stuff about bob of course...yuck. oh yea speaking of whom, weve kinda been talking a bit the past couple days. so now i really want to go to see afs next week cause i guess i do want to see him once more. i dont know, cause after everything that happened, i just like the idea of us still being friends.

ive also been talking to sally a little bit lately. we usually just talk about nothing, but the other day, she kept complaining about how mary was like bragging that she made a lot of friends at her new school and how shes already getting with some hot guy. i can definitely see how mary would be annoying like that, but i really didnt know what to say to sally. i mean, she either was being totally honest, or she just wanted me to talk trash on mary, to start another fight or something. its so hard to trust people... i dont have a problem with sally at all right now, i just wish i knew what she was thinking sometimes...

and oh yea, i apologize for the short posts and my neglect of writing my mood and a lyric, i dont really know why i dont do it much anymore...

- - -
mood: mood...
music: yesterdays rising
lyric: [hello my name is distance and i really dont care if i never wake up again] - from autumn to ashes

[[blogged at 2:17 PM]]                

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dream to make believe video

dont get your hopes up...its not really that great. eh, i still like it though...

- - -
music: mae

[[blogged at 12:21 PM]]                

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pigs must be flying today cause i actually want to go back to school...

- - -
music: wester

[[blogged at 2:33 PM]]                

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eww...peter [i think thats what i named him...]

him: u goin to homecoming
me: haha noo
him: y not
me: i hate those things
him: so do i
him: but u gotta go
him: at leats i do cause im a senior
me: i probably wont go next year either
him: aw
him: yo go w/ me to homecoming
him: wait a sec
him: forget i said that
me: um k
him: if i ever see u in person ill ask u then
me: dont bother
him: y
me: nothing against you
me: i just wouldnt want to go
him: ah yer so gay

[[blogged at 2:31 PM]]                

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so much for going to see armor for sleep...

me: hey
him: hey hey
me: how are ya?
him: good, you
him: new video of straylight run on my site
me: not bad
me: awesome
me: hows school goin?
him: its pretty radd
him: hows no school for you
me: oh just great haha
him: is there any news on when you gonna start
me: nope
him: thats crazy
him: did you go to school at all last week
me: just thursday
me: for pictures
him: thats so messed up
him: what about sports and stuff
me: i think that depends on the coaches or something
him: k
him: what have you been doing, anything exciting
me: nah not really
him: they blocked all file sharing programs like kazaa here
him: it suuuuuuuuuuucks
me: ooh man
him: yea like sometimes ill be like ooh i want to hear this song, and then ill be like dammmn i dont have kazaa
me: i heard they started fining people for downloading music now
him: yea its nuts
him: they just sued some 12 year old girl
him: if you dont share they cant sue you tho
me: ooh ok
me: i try not to do it much anymore
him: yea
me: so hey are you still going to see armor for sleep next week?
him: yea i should be
him: but the problem is i dont know if im going straight to philly
him: i have an extra ticket if you could get a ride up
me: alright ill see if i can
him: k coolness
him: cause my classes end at 5 on thursday, and it takes like 2 horus to get back
me: ooh
me: who else are you going with?
him: im meeting ---- and a couple other kids there
him: my dad is picking me up from college and then dropping me off at the concert
me: ooh gotcha
him: yeayea

- - -
mood: crushed...
music: from autumn to ashes
lyric: [well thanks for waiting this long to show yourself] - dashboard confessional

[[blogged at 9:51 PM]]                

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who thought that having days off from a teachers strike could be so incredibly boring...

- - -
mood: dying...
music: outsmarting simon

[[blogged at 12:23 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
dashboard confessional - hands down
breathe in for luck. breathe in so deep.
this air is blessed, you share with me.
this night is wild, so calm and dull.
these hearts they race, from self control.
your legs are smooth, as they graze mine.
were doing fine. were doing nothing at all.
my hopes are so high
that your kiss might kill me
so wont you kill me, so i die happy.
my heart is yours to fill or burst
to break or bury or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.
the words are hushed lets not get busted,
just lay entwined here undiscovered.
safe from the earth
and all the stupid questions,
'hey did you get some?'
man, that is so dumb.
stay quiet, stay near, stay close,
they cant hear, so we can get some.
hands down this is the best day
i can ever remember,
ill always remember
the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair
that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized
its so late and
the walk that we shared together.
the street was wet and the gate was locked
so i jumped it and let you in
and you stood at the door
with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me, like you meant it
and i knew that you meant it
that you meant it...

[[blogged at 5:18 PM]]                

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clicky

this is the new mouse and keyboard my mom and i got. at first she said she wasnt going to pay for a new keyboard, since i was the one who spilled. but i convinced her to go to comp usa to look at prices. i found this one that seemed ok for fifteen dollars. she said she would get it but then this guy who worked there came up to help us. he started talking about the gyration thing, and i thought it sounded like crap but my mom was all for it. and she kept saying we needed a new mouse anyway. so yea she ended up spending a hundred and seventeen dollars for the combo and for a two year warrenty... i should like ask my mom to look at prices for cars with me and see what would happen there...

we also went to the bank yesterday to exchange all my change for cash. it was in this huge container so i figured it had to be at least two hundred dollars. but it ended up only being one hundred and thirty seven. so i got a hundred cash and deposited the rest. i think the guy ripped us off...

the other night, when alyssa slept over, we watched gangs of new york. it was really depressing, alyssa and i agreed. but then after it was over, she said, 'now i feel like slitting my wrists cause that was so depressing.' the second she said that, i choked and didnt say anything. she should know how you shouldnt fucking say stuff like that. especially in front of me. its not somthing you casually bring up in conversation. i heard chris rock said it or something after coldplay performed. im sorry but thats so fucked up. i never ever liked chris rock, but now i fucking hate him. hes such a dumbass, he shouldnt even be on tv.

so, school still hasnt started yet. if i had my way, theyd be on strike all year. i wish i had something to do with this extra time off. oh well. i think alyssa just likes to hear herself talk. she calls me a hundred times a day and i never really talk much on the phone, but she just goes on and on. like i know it cant be interresting to talk to me on the phone, yet she still always calls. and whenever i say some reason why i have to get off, she moans, then calls me back an hour later. yesterday we sorta got in a fight over the phone. shes always saying bad stuff about my dog cause she bites. and she said something like, 'one day that dog will kill me.' i said, 'she doesnt bite you to kill you, she does it cause she doesnt like you.' then we like argued about it for ten minutes. and she said, 'fine, im not gonna get in a fight about this.' i was still really irritated but she just moved to another subject and talked for about an hour. its really annoying to listen to her all day, but i cant just tell her that. arrg...

- - -
mood: tired...
music: dead poetic
lyric: [just leave me alone] - no motiv

[[blogged at 10:54 AM]]                

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tims away message:

do you want to know what really sucks? when someone acts like they have feelings for you but the entire time you are getting with them they get with someone else and dont tell you for like two months. is it just me or is that a real shitty thing to do to somebody?

[[blogged at 11:02 PM]]                

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yesterday: i spilled coke on my keyboard
today: typing is a bitch...

- - -
mood: asdkjfhs...
music: rise against

[[blogged at 10:13 AM]]                

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well lisa and kelly sorta stood me up. turns out they were missing since two nights ago. their mom kept calling me, asking if i knew anything about where they could be. then she called the police to find them. i finally talked to lisa at around one last night. she told me that they were just walking around and they only saw their boyfriends for a little while. ha. yea right...im never forgiving them for this. their serious lack of judgement really pisses me off. and i find it hard to believe that their boyfriends are that important to them, cause all this is obviously ruining our friendship. and its just making things worse for them too. they probably wont be allowed to see the light of day for a long time. so yea im completely through with them. and i mean it this time. the sad thing is, they wont even be phased by losing me. i guess as long as they have their boyfriends, theyll be happy...

- - -
mood: alone...
music: the jealous sound
lyric: [i wish no one in my place] - brand new

[[blogged at 2:41 PM]]                

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im having lisa, kelly, and alyssa stay over tonight...its either going to be a huge disaster or well become friends again...

- - -
music: a static lullaby

[[blogged at 3:41 PM]]                

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
fun things:

mario twins
retarded animal babies
weeee
teen girl squad
mr. nice

- - -
mood: bored...
music: story of the year
lyric: [shiggity shiggity shwa]

[[blogged at 5:25 PM]]                

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i had my first day of school today...well it wasnt a real day. we only had to go in for two hours. we saw all our teachers standing outside holding signs cause theyre on strike. so we dont know when our first official day will be. so thats not too bad. but they said theyre gonna add days on the end of the year for what we miss so yea. im going to miss summer but im not. it sucked big time.

this morning, lisa, kelly, and i got ready with alyssa at her house. kelly started crying and complaining about how the situation with her mom not liking her boyfriend has gotten much worse. and then she started talking about killing herself and all that shit. so i yelled at her saying, 'youre not the only fucking person in this world who has problems.' then we got in a huge fight. she kept saying i didnt understand what was so wrong but she wouldnt even fucking tell me what it was. so that just made us fight more. and i told them it was their fault alyssa and i had such a shitty summer. cause they were with their boyfriends so much. then they yelled back saying their mom never lets them see their boyfriends. [even though they spent their whole week at the shore with them.] so yea that put me in a really bad mood the whole day.

i fucking hate school. it feels like summer went by in one weekend. everyone at school kept saying 'aww youre hair is soo cute.' ahh everytime someone said that i wanted to shoot myself. even this one girl i went to grade school with and used to be best friends with but stopped talking to me when we got to high school wouldnt stop talking about it. anyways we had to get our yearbook pictures taken and that was pretty much the whole day. what a waste of time...

- - -
mood: i hate everyone...
music: hotwire
lyric: [and i would love for you to be happy, just not with him] - outsmarting simon

[[blogged at 5:31 PM]]                

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im so selfish...

- - -
music: the escape engine

[[blogged at 8:37 AM]]                

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alyssas moving...

- - -
mood: in tears...
music: the beautiful mistake
lyric: [so ill refuse to feel the pain i feel within and tell you once again, please dont go] - no motiv

[[blogged at 10:47 PM]]                

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this picture makes me cry every time i look at it...

clicky

[[blogged at 10:49 AM]]                

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today and yesterday ive felt really sick. like when you have a fever and you get light-headed and dizzy. i cant even see straight most of the time. i dont know why...

- - -
mood: nauseous...
music: outsmarting simon
lyric: [is this how it feels when you dont even fit into your own skin and its getting tighter?] - thursday

[[blogged at 10:13 AM]]                

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im back from boston. finally...

- - -
mood: grr...
music: a long winter
lyric: [where did summer go?] - a static lullaby

[[blogged at 7:19 PM]]